Frankly, I Was Embarrassed!

The chaos finally caught up to me!  Friday night in 20 degree weather, my daughter locked our keys in the car.  This was the result of the break-neck speed we had been living out for the last 2 months.

I had been swamped, slammed, busy, stressed, going 90-miles-an-hour in every direction that Taxi Moms go!  Dinners were barely assembled, house was a wreck, homework was done in the car ½-way on our way to the next thing, and now we were stranded outside in below-freezing weather.  But that’s not the part that hit my heart, something else did.

Sweet family friends came and got us and drove us home (to get more keys).  They rescued us.  I was grateful and thankful we weren’t in a more remote area.  As we got nearly to our home, I wanted to invite them in to warm up with some fresh made coffee and hot chocolate, but . . . . . remember the pace we had been living at?  My house was TRASHED, in total disarray.  You know how I felt?  Exposed and Embarrassed.  We were NOT planning on guests when we left the house today.

Here was this family that came to get us at 9pm, in the dark, when it was freezing, because of our error and I couldn’t even invite them in to my life.  And I even wanted to.  For me the feelings weren’t about what they thought about me or if they might have an opinion about me.  They obviously love me to the point of coming out after dark to rescue us.  It was how I felt.  I didn’t like the way my house looked.  It’s not how I wanted to present myself.  It was sloppy, a mess, embarrassing, not kept, and not even close to what I’m capable of doing.   Everything was out of hand.

So in the car, I said a quick ‘thank you’ for the rescue and grabbed the kids to head inside.  But then my friends got out of the car too and started to walk me to the door.  Oh no!  Then I  went really fast and opened my door (broke in with a credit card, since my keys were still locked inside my car) then did a quick wave through the quickly closing crack in my door, that I had opened only barely enough for me and my kids to squeeze through.  I closed the door.  I didn’t let them in.  I shut them outside – the people that care about me and helped me.  I felt terrible.  I had lived the last few months in such a way, creating a mess around me, to where I was shutting out people I wanted to let in!  Ug!  I was really mad at myself.

So I decided to make a change. 

The very next morning I woke up, cleared my schedule, and began again. 

I overhauled my schedule and I started to clean again.  I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed.  And I loved it.  I made my environment a priority again.

As I was scrubbing the next day, I was thinking about the horrible embarrassment I felt by closing out my dear friends.  I searched my heart to try to understand why it was bugging me so much.  Why was that feeling resonating so deeply and wracking my thoughts so intensely?  And then I remembered!

When I had gained all the weight the feeling was EXACTLY the same feelings!  I was exposed.  I felt embarrassed.  I was not presenting myself the way I wanted to.  I felt sloppy, a mess, embarrassed, unkempt, uncomfortable in my own skin.  Others loved me, but I didn’t feel good about myself and what I had done.  I was living at an insane pace, things were out of control, my weight was out of control, and I was shutting people out that I wanted close.

And, just as I decided to get my house in order, I had to decide to get my health in order too.  And even though living healthy might take longer than an overhaul house cleaning, the heart change is the same.  I had to change priorities, I had to stop the nonsensical pace, I had to overhaul my heart room by room and clean up the mess I had made by the way I was living.

Two days after I overhauled my house my friends stopped by unannounced.  I had left something in their car as I was running inside so fast the night of the locked keys.  I got tickled at the opportunity of another chance.  And I invited them inside!  🙂